When I was in middle school I always had the idea of going out with my friends. I was pretty mature for my age, but I sometimes slip up and do some dumb things. They were always against the idea of me leaving the house, since they lived in the Philippines, burglaries and kidnapping incidents are very common. “What if someone puts something in your drink huh?” “What if someone kidnaps you?” my mom always asks. She always thinks of the downsides of me getting out of the house. She’s just that “overprotective” parent alongside my dad. During 6th grade, I was invited to go to the movies with my friends. “Just tell them you’re watching a kids movie!” one of my friends said. I told them I was watching “Cars” when really we were watching “Insidious 2”. They agreed, but it took a little bit of convincing. “Who’s going with you?” “How many of you are going?” “Are you sure all of those people are going?” “Are there any boys coming with you?” It was a long process but it worked, and I finally got to the movie theater.
My mom still followed me while buying the ticket, but told her to stay back so she wouldn’t see what ticket I was buying. “What time do we have to pick you up?” she asked. I misinterpreted her question and told her what time the movie started instead, which was such a bad mistake. That meant that they would be here when the movie starts, which doesn’t give me time to finish even half the movie. She left and my friends and I went to walk around to pass the time. There was even a point where we watched a part of a movie that we didn’t even pay to watch, but immediately got out, since we all felt guilty. We then bought our food, since it was almost time for our movie to start.
We got to our movie and sat in our seats while the trailers were playing. I felt really bad for telling them false information, but was also relieved that I actually came through and was able to go somewhere with my friends. We continued to watch the movie up until somehow my dad found me and sat next to me. “Why are you watching this movie?” he whispered. I could tell he was mad, with the tone of voice he was saying it in. At that time I knew I messed up bad, and I didn’t have any choice but to leave with him to go home. As I said, I wasn’t even able to watch just half the movie, and wasted my own money for a movie I barely watched. My mom gave me a long lecture in the car, as well as my dad adding on things after her. I was devastated, but I knew I deserved it for what I’d done.
I broke my parents’ trust that day, and to this day they still hesitate about saying yes when I ask to go out. I barely do anything out of school with friends now, since I’m too afraid to ask them for consent about it. I’m too afraid they’ll say no because of that one incident. But it taught me to not lie about things like that, and I won’t do it again. They still don’t give me much freedom, but let me do things from time to time when they’re in a good mood. They’re even protective of me being on the driveway, as well as having group projects that leads to going to their houses. I learned not to lie about anything this big, because they’ll find out somehow and some way. And when they do, it can affect how your parents think about you.
In the beginning of the essay, I think that in the third sentence, you need to replace "they" with your parents. This is because you start off the sentence using they without introducing your parents as the nouns. Throughout the essay. I believe that you need to establish who you are talking about when you use pronouns. As you jump from people to people, it is hard to follow with who you are actually talking about. Additionally, you need to give more examples of how you were before the incident in which you learned your lesson. It is hard to tell if you were dishonest in the past or if it was just that one time. Lastly, when you reflect on what you learned, try to elaborate a bit more.
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ReplyDeleteThe writing was pretty good, explaining thoughts thoroughly with good grammar. The first paragraph will need fixing, since the parents were first introduced as "they" with nothing telling us you're referring to them as specific people. For the third sentence, it could be worded, "They were always against the idea of me leaving the house, since they lived in the Philippines, where burglaries and kidnapping incidents are very common."
ReplyDeleteThe essay is okay, and ends with the lesson learned including some thoughts that enhance your perspective.
YOUR STORY DRAGS ON AND ON AND WE DO NOT SEE THE PURPOSE. THE ONLY TIME YOU REFLECT IS AT THE VERY END AND IT IS ONLY THREE SENTENCES LONG. YOU NEED TO REFLECT MORE ON THE ACTUAL COMING OF AGE, MEANING YOU NEED TO ADD HOW YOU WERE BEFORE. REMEMBER THIS EVENT NEEDS TO EMPHASIZE YOUR CHANGE SO FOCUS ON THAT. DO NOT FOCUS ON THE EVENT BUT DISCUSS MORE WHY ITS IMPORTANT TO WHO YOU ARE. MAYBE DISCUSS HOW YOU WERE ALWAYS DOING THINGS TO PLEASE YOUR PARENTS OR SHELTERED AND WERE ALWAYS WITH YOU PARENTS AND NEVER HUNG OUT WITH FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL SO THEY TRUSTED YOU. YOU NEED TO DISCUSS COMING OF AGE. YOUR COMING OF AGE IS MORE ABOUT YOUR PARENTS THEN YOU, YOU SAY HOW YOU LEARNED NOT TO LIE BUT THAT'S SOMETHING WE ARE ALL NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. SO YOU NEED TO DISCUSS WHY LEARNING NOT TO LIE IS SUCH A BIG DEAL TO THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE. AS(2-)
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