Too much homework, projects, and deadlines to think about, and I need to go someplace to calm down and relieve my stress. Where might that be? I ask my conscience. It isn't much of a place to really brag about how "beautiful it is" or "how this place gives me inspiration." It's a place where I have fun, be myself, and get to express my feelings with. My special place is Manokihikihi Way. Wait, isn't that a street? That's kind of a weird place to call special. There's way more meaning to this place. It's almost hard to explain, to the point that you just need a visual to help you guide the way.
It's dark, street lights are the only source of brightness. There's faint stars in the sky, and the moon, in the shape of a crescent that day, was present. A big tree, in the middle of a circle of houses, as the wind blows and the leaves from the tree start to rustle. Three houses, together with some type of bond, like a friendship. And when there's a time to see each other on the holidays, they come out of these houses. Each of which is excited to see what we'll be able to do together. Another person comes around to visit, depending on another good memory to be made. Maybe we'll play with playing cards, jam out with music and sing songs together, or maybe just walking around the streets, talking about things that we don't normally talk about with others. We all enjoy it, and it feels like we've been hanging out for hours and hours on end.
Every time there's some type of celebration, like my cousin's birthday, my aunt's birthday, or maybe New Year's, my parents and I go here, which is my auntie's house. But for some weird reason, every time I'm there, I tend to go outside, because I always look for something. My childhood friends. When I was about 7 years old, I visited someone's house that wasn't familiar. I met someone named Jennah, that was almost the same age as me, and instantly became friends. After about 4 years, I met her childhood friend, named Xander, and we instantly clicked as well. I don't have much that I remember of when I was little, so I didn't really know where this place was. I didn't exactly know what it was called, or remembered how it looked like. But when I'm there, I know it's my special place.
To this day, I still go to Manokihikihi Way. I go there for the same occasions, and I go there on the weekends when I have time. Jennah's moving to the Mainland in a year, so I don't know what that's going to affect. This is my special place, basically because the people that I met there were very special. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't there with me, whenever there was an occasion. I would probably feel very horrible and I wouldn't be able to express myself as much anymore. This was my escape from the real world, and I don't have any plans to change it.
I liked the way that you described your special place. It was very detailed and I could picture it in my mind. In your first paragraph, I kind of got confused on who you as a writer were talking to. When you wrote things in the slanted font, it was if you were talking to the reader. But a couple sentences later, you were talking to yourself. You did a good job on sentence fluency and on using your own voice. Although there were some conventional errors, this was a good rough draft.
ReplyDeleteYou need to read over essay, there is issues with person/tense shifts throughout the entire essay. Like Kaylee said the first paragraph gets confusing because you are talking to yourself and to the reader keep it all in first person. Next example is "Three houses, together with some type of bond, like a friendship. And when there's a time to see each other on the holidays, they come out of these houses. Each of which is excited to see what we'll be able to do together" It's confusing because you talk about the houses and how they are together like a friendship, but then you say "they come out of these houses" you never state who they is so it sounds like you are talking about the houses coming out of the houses. This is the types of problems you run into.
ReplyDeleteyou need to talk about how this place makes you feel and why no other place can make you feel this same place. you tell a bunch of stories but never reflect on them.
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